Denying Self in Marriage by Saying Yes 

In a marriage, both partners tend to think they are selfless and giving to their spouse. Both the husband and the wife would point to the many things they do to show their love for the other. Unfortunately, all too often the love we are showing our spouse is a love for ourselves and not for them.

If we think we are selfless and loving to our spouse, but only do things for them when we feel like it, we're not truly denying ourselves. We may think we are, but to truly deny oneself in a marriage is to do for our spouse when we do not want to... when we are the least inclined to do something for them... when we just do not want to at all or when our feelings do not line up with what they want... this is the time when we're able to die to our self (flesh) the most.

One way to practice denying oneself in a marriage is to observe your spouse. If they insist on doing something or going somewhere and you truly don't feel like it, deny yourself and force yourself to comply, as long as it does not cause you to sin. This can apply to physical intimacy, entertainment, or whatever.

It's critical that we recognize that, as God's children, we are commanded to obey His Word with joy—rather than just doing as we are told.

If you say, “I show them love all the time” but you're only doing these things when you feel like it, then you are only showing that you love yourself more than them. And more importantly, you're showing that you love yourself more than Christ who commanded you to deny yourself within this marriage. If you were truly showing love for them, you would do the things they desired, putting their needs above your own. We need to die to ourselves.

This probably sounds radical to many. However, I am not the authority on this issue, the Word of God is. We see several places in Scripture where we are urged to deny self. In the context of love, we can see this in 1 Corinthians:

1 Corinthians 13:4-7 

"Love is patient, love is kind and is not jealous; love does not brag and is not arrogant, does not act unbecomingly; it does not seek its own, is not provoked, does not take into account a wrong suffered,  does not rejoice in unrighteousness, but rejoices with the truth;  bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things."

Verse five states plainly that love does not seek its own. It doesn’t say love sometimes seeks its own or love is shown only when the giving party feels like it. No, it says love does not seek its own.

Yet another passage that urges self-denial is Matthew 16:24  Then Jesus said to His disciples, “If anyone wishes to come after Me, he must deny himself, and take up his cross and follow Me."

Self-denial for the Christian means renouncing oneself as the center of existence (which goes against the natural inclination of the human will) and recognizing Jesus Christ as one’s new and true center. With Christ as our center, we strive to obey His Word without reservation. 

In the context of marriage this includes serving Christ whole heartedly by denying ourselves and loving our spouse without restraint. Denying yourself means seeking the good of others before looking out for yourself.

1 Corinthians 10:24 "Let no one seek his own good, but that of others."

Ask yourself as a husband or a wife, when was the last time that you truly denied yourself? When was the last time that you gave of your time, energy, body, finances, or anything else that was precious to you, in order to show your spouse how much they mean to you?

Here is my challenge to you, the next time your spouse wants to do something that you do not “feel” like doing, deny yourself and do it. But do it with an excitement and energy that blows your spouse away. Make a practice of this, don’t just do it once but begin doing it every time your flesh wants to say no. Remind yourself, “When my flesh says no, I will say yes.”

Eventually, as you spend time in prayer about this and continue to respond in a joyful way, the Lord will begin to change your heart and you will find yourself loving the practice of denying yourself. In turn, you will love your spouse more and bring glory to God.

If both a husband and a wife are actively obeying this imperative, the marriage will be healthy and strong. Nothing will be able to come between these two individuals that Christ has brought together as they strive to honor God and glorify Christ in their marriage.